14 Oct 2010

Eating My Feelings and Feeling Like Crap

5 Comments Personal Crap

I really can not stop eating since my father passed away.  I never thought I’d be the kind of person who eats when depressed or anxious. But OH MY GOD AM I THAT KIND OF PERSON!!  I just sat down to write this because I polished off a huge bag of kettle corn without even knowing I was doing it, and I don’t do those things. I don’t. I never have. But now I do. I always do.

I recently lost about 9 pounds and felt thinner than I ever had in my whole life. I’ve never been fat, but I’ve always felt fat. That’s one of those truly American neuroses to have. It’s stupid and a waste of time, but I do feel fat about 90% of the time. The other 10% I’m just too busy to think about it.  But in this small window of time after I lost the 9 pounds, I felt thin.  I really, actually felt thin for the first time ever. Even when I was 5’5” and 98 pounds in high school I didn’t feel anywhere near this thin.  I was liking the way I looked in clothes, and I was strutting around the house naked. Okay, strutting might be an overstatement.  Naked might be an overstatement, too.  But I was walking around the house in boy shorts and tank tops feeling pretty MILF-like.  I think I might have even told my husband he was a lucky guy at one point.  Yup.  I was feeling thin.

But then my father died and I haven’t stopped eating since. Really, anything that’s been put in front of me, I’ve eaten.  I put a lot of the weight back on, and now I’m feeling fat again and afraid I don’t know how to get back to where I was before. If you were to ask anyone who knows me, they would tell you that any time I say I’m fat they want to slap me in my face. And I understand that.  I’m not fat. But I do feel like a stranger in my own body sometimes, and when my jeans get tight and my stomach seems to be hanging over my pants a little, and I have love handles and my arms aren’t tight… Well, I just kind of hate myself. So, what do I do? Do I figure out how to love myself with a few extra pounds on me? Or do I go back to being strict and take the weight off again?

In the past there wouldn’t have been any debate her, so maybe I’m making some progress. I’m grateful for the comfort that food gave me when I needed it, but now I want to find something comforting that isn’t as damaging to my body or self esteem. I thought it might be a good idea to start taking walks, doing some deep breathing, and trying to drink a glass of water when I think I need a snack.  These would be good starts.

But more than that, I think I need to learn to be more forgiving of myself, and more understanding. Why can’t I love me no matter what my jeans feel like?  My husband does. My son does. My family and friends sure do.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think one of them would give a rip if I was to put on 100 pounds. Well, they might worry about my health, but it wouldn’t make them love me any less.  How can I give myself the same consideration? I honestly can’t think of a way. Isn’t that stupid? I certainly don’t want to pass on these self-hating feelings to my son. So how does one begin to stop feeling this way?

I have no answers but I think I might be starting a journey that began at the bottom of a bag of kettle corn. Really good kettle corn. It was delicious… Salty, sweet, crunchy… Where’s that water?

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Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!
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5 Responses to “Eating My Feelings and Feeling Like Crap”

  1. Reply Andy says:

    What ever you do dont try to love yourself with a couple of extra pounds. It’s much more work than watching what you eat.

  2. Reply AL says:

    Great observations! I have no awnsers for you, just ancient comiseration. I was ALWAYS thin, surrounded by people who never met a baked potato they didn’t like! People always after me to “Eat!” “Eat! You eat like a bird” off to college at 5′ 8″ weighing all of 105! My idea of healthy eating? Fruit and Dairy? A huge piece of stawberry pie with a virtual cloud of whipped cream! Drinking Instant Breakfast with my meals…no luck…I couldn’t gain weight to save my soul! My obsession was to have people stop telling me how THIN I was, I wanted desperately to be a normal weight. ( Be careful what you wish for. )

    Between then and now, I have gained more weight than I ever thought possible, ( for me)! But, WHAT really ticks me off is the fact that at sometime, some brief period of time, I had to be the PERFECT weight, not too thin, not too fat…and apparently I was asleep, because I missed it!!

    Although I try to eat healthfully, I am weak. So, I write this in sympathy to all that always and ever constant struggle with self image vs comfort foods (are we not always in crisis, internally or externally?) Nine pounds?? Nine pounds? My babies weighed nine pounds, …each! and I think I must have kept the extra weight as some sort of merit badge for Motherhood.. Just saying.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Hilarious! I know. Nine pounds. It’s stupid. Perspective, right? This blog is helping me get it. Big time.
      I love that you say you missed your perfect weight. I totally get it. You rock.

  3. Reply Christine says:

    When Bill and I got married I weighed 104 pounds. Then, when I got pregnant with Kate I ate whatever the hell I wanted. I was working in a bakery at the time, so you can just imagine the goodies I stuffed into myself. The day Kate was bien I weighed 165. You met me, and know I am short, and clearly 165 was heavy for me. I kept that weight in for more than six years. Then I decided I would do anything to be thin. I wished to be thin. I prayed to be thin. And you know what happened? I got cancer, and let me tell you, chemo and radiation and surgeries made me fucking thin. I was 103 pounds during treatment. I looked like hell. I looked like death. And when I got better, I ate whatever the hell I wanted. Now I’m about 140 pounds. Not fat. Certainly not thin. But still healthy and still desirable and still able to rock a cute skirt and a sexy top. So I say if you want to take comfort in food as you grieve the loss of your dad, then that is what you should do. And your hubby will still be lucky to rock your body at night and you will still be a damn fine MILF. So don’t sweat it and don’t ever wish to be thin. I did, and my wish came true and I wish that I had never made such a stupid wish.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Christine, I mean… What do I even say? Beautiful. I sincerely have had this thought 1,000 times. I think, “I’m so lucky to be healthy. I have to just appreciate my body because it’s healthy and beautiful and it serves me. One day I might not be so lucky, and I’ll regret not appreciating what I had.” You just illuminated that for me in such a clear way. I will carry this with me now, always. I am grateful I started this blog. It’s changing things for me, not only because I’m seeing my own feelings in black and white, but also because of those of you who are teaching me with your comments. Thanks, Christine.

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