Archive for November 8th, 2010

08 Nov 2010

Thank You, 70’s Porn!

8 Comments Health, Personal Crap

I am not opposed to plastic surgery, as evidenced by my nose job sometime around 1996. I had just done my first, real, big television acting job on Seinfeld and my friend was throwing a party to watch it premiere on NBC.  There I was, sitting on the floor next to my mom, 50 of my closest friends behind me. There I was on the TV kissing Kramer on the neck! And then the scene where he falls asleep on top of me and I’m yelling his name! And… OH MY GOD MY NOSE IS GIGANTIC! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE EVER TELL ME?? And then a commercial. And I turn to my mom, thinking about all the jobs I’m never going to get with that nose and say, “I’m thinking about getting a nose job.” To which she, without even a breath of hesitation replies, “I think that’s a good idea.” About one month later I was under the knife and I’ve never looked back.

So, I am not opposed to plastic surgery. What I am opposed to is excessive plastic surgery, the kind that makes people look like cats, lips look like life rafts,  and boobs look like beach balls. We’re turning ourselves, one surgery at a time, into an unrecognizable species of… Weirdos! I think it’s sad, and I think it’s unrealistic, and I think it’s damaging. So I’m thinking of turning to 70’s porn for answers.

See, my husband grew up with Playboys lying around the house and, since he was born in 1970, they were Playboys from the 1970’s. And do you know what those Playboys did for my husband? (Besides the obvious, of course.) Those Playboys gave my man a great appreciation for soft, pendulous breasts, thick thighs, a slightly poochy tummy, and PUBIC HAIR, for goodness’ sake!! That’s right! My husband finds REAL WOMEN attractive!! (Which makes my life so much easier, friends.)

Now let’s think about what my son will grow up thinking is normal: Big, dented, hard, absurdly high and round boobs on 90 pound hairless women. I know I’m being crass, but I want you to think about that. It’s hard enough being a woman who was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s. But at least MY Madonna was shapely and soft and womanly! The Madonna of 2010 is a stick with muscles. My supermodels were curvy and sexy. The supermodels of 2010 are sickly and boyish.  And the women in Playboy are fake, fake, fake. It makes me angry, truly. Real women are becoming the minority, at least in the media and magazines. So what are we raising our sons to be attracted to and our daughters to aspire to?

So, here’s my plan. When Garrett is about, I don’t know, twelve-years-old? I’m going to start subtly leaving magazines from the 70’s lying around. I’ll “hide” them so he thinks he’s finding them. And what will he see? Lo’ and Behold! Women! Real Women! What do you think? Good idea?

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