08 Nov 2010

Thank You, 70’s Porn!

8 Comments Health, Personal Crap

I am not opposed to plastic surgery, as evidenced by my nose job sometime around 1996. I had just done my first, real, big television acting job on Seinfeld and my friend was throwing a party to watch it premiere on NBC.  There I was, sitting on the floor next to my mom, 50 of my closest friends behind me. There I was on the TV kissing Kramer on the neck! And then the scene where he falls asleep on top of me and I’m yelling his name! And… OH MY GOD MY NOSE IS GIGANTIC! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE EVER TELL ME?? And then a commercial. And I turn to my mom, thinking about all the jobs I’m never going to get with that nose and say, “I’m thinking about getting a nose job.” To which she, without even a breath of hesitation replies, “I think that’s a good idea.” About one month later I was under the knife and I’ve never looked back.

So, I am not opposed to plastic surgery. What I am opposed to is excessive plastic surgery, the kind that makes people look like cats, lips look like life rafts,  and boobs look like beach balls. We’re turning ourselves, one surgery at a time, into an unrecognizable species of… Weirdos! I think it’s sad, and I think it’s unrealistic, and I think it’s damaging. So I’m thinking of turning to 70’s porn for answers.

See, my husband grew up with Playboys lying around the house and, since he was born in 1970, they were Playboys from the 1970’s. And do you know what those Playboys did for my husband? (Besides the obvious, of course.) Those Playboys gave my man a great appreciation for soft, pendulous breasts, thick thighs, a slightly poochy tummy, and PUBIC HAIR, for goodness’ sake!! That’s right! My husband finds REAL WOMEN attractive!! (Which makes my life so much easier, friends.)

Now let’s think about what my son will grow up thinking is normal: Big, dented, hard, absurdly high and round boobs on 90 pound hairless women. I know I’m being crass, but I want you to think about that. It’s hard enough being a woman who was born in the 70’s and grew up in the 80’s. But at least MY Madonna was shapely and soft and womanly! The Madonna of 2010 is a stick with muscles. My supermodels were curvy and sexy. The supermodels of 2010 are sickly and boyish.  And the women in Playboy are fake, fake, fake. It makes me angry, truly. Real women are becoming the minority, at least in the media and magazines. So what are we raising our sons to be attracted to and our daughters to aspire to?

So, here’s my plan. When Garrett is about, I don’t know, twelve-years-old? I’m going to start subtly leaving magazines from the 70’s lying around. I’ll “hide” them so he thinks he’s finding them. And what will he see? Lo’ and Behold! Women! Real Women! What do you think? Good idea?

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written by
Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

8 Responses to “Thank You, 70’s Porn!”

  1. Reply Koch says:

    This was a fun, hot, funny, musky, husky read. I had no idea you could equate your Seinfeld nose freak-out with 70’s porn. I, too, share Russell’s appreciate for Real Women as you know and I think the magazines are a wise idea. Good mothering on your part. Oh, and I have about 10 old Playboys that I’m more than willing to dedicate to the cause.

    I will never forget my first night back in the state of California after living in Seattle and Orlando and seeing you on Seinfled in a shitty motel in the desert and wanting to kill myself because I was so jealous of you. But I also recall, at the time, that I was very happy for your success. These days I’m ONLY just happy for your successes! Like body hair, we all grow…

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      I will have those Playboys, then! I’d say “borrow” but you know how I am at returning things. Glad you’ve worked out when you should be happy for me. Love the body hair analogy! I was dang happy for you today, my friend. DANG happy. 🙂

  2. Reply Ange says:

    Get out u were in seinfield awesome!

    Ps I think it’s a good idea:) I mean girls are too pretensious these days…
    The models look like zombies from eating crumbs for Breakfast lunch and dinner !

    I bet if they try a pizza they will only relies that food is available!!! Goodness me:)

    Say what were the men like back in the 70’s…. Trendy??

  3. Reply Christine says:

    First of all, you kissed Kramer? Really? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

    But as to the topic at hand, as with all things, I think body modification, done in moderation, is a lovely way to enhance what we already have and help us to feel beautiful, confident and sexy. I myself have always wanted a boob job. Well, at least I’ve always wanted bigger boobs. The whole “cut my breasts open, shove a plastic-like pillow inside them and sew them up again” approach to bigger boobage isn’t really appealing to me. And my husband, bless him, is not a die hard boob man. He certainly likes boobies, and is glad I have friends of variying boob size for him to admire, but he also likes my calfs, which are easily helped by a good pair of fuck me heels, and he likes my ass, of which I have more than a-plenty. But he has forbade me a boob job because he says mine are just perfect. I don’t believe that he is actually fond of my barely B boobies, but he says small ones stay up where God put them and he politely swears that more than a proper handful is a waste.

    And regarding the porn thing, I much prefer “natural” porn, as long as the actors, including the men, are attractive. Not that we are spending our time and money on porntastic pay per view, but we are not opposed to a night of champagne and Skin-a-max as a warm up for hotter happenings. We also like to play “real or fake” and see if we can spot the fake boobies and the real boobies, and have oft paused and rewound to study the good, the bad, and the ugly boob jobs. The good ones remind me that I could buy bigger boobs and would probably like them. In fact, I’d probably run amok showing them to everyone. But the bad ones remind me that I really, really do not want a boob job. My small natural boobs are just fine. And another reason I like natural porn is that it does not make me feel like a loser for not waxing off every hair on my lower body. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for grooming and keeping your stuff neat and trimmed, but the whole smooth as a baby thing is kinda weird to me. I think if you are old enough to have sex, your parts should not look like someone who is too young to have sex. And really, who has the time for all that? As a wife and mom, I am thrilled when I have the time and energy to shower and brush my teeth before we rock and roll.

    And to all those who bought bigger boobies and regularly pay to lay on a table and have your downstairs hair coated in wax and ripped from your nether parts, I say, Really? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Well, well, well. I know a bit more about Christine now, don’t I? Glad you and the Mr. have some cleaner spaces to get busy on! And YES to all the other stuff. But you knew that already. Oh, and yes I kissed Kramer. And yes, it was nasty.

  4. Reply AL says:

    Note to self: Do not read Lisa’s blog outloud to US while he is eating his dinner..he nearly choked while laughing! Too funny. I have nothing to add except when we were in college the ultimate babe for that era…Carol Dota or Doda?…possibly the first of the plastic, dairy cow variety. She was a topless act, I think, in San Francisco?

    Of course, the super hero funny books…all had women with unbelievably humongo breasts…something that little girls wanting to be super heroines would have had a serious case of clevage envy?

    I agree, it has gone too far, but with all extremes, it will come full circle…it’s almost time for the Age of Aquarius Part Deux?

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      You just made ME laugh out loud, both with the image of US laughing with food in his mouth, and then at the “Hair” reference! GREAT point about the super heroines. I just wish it had been left to comic books and didn’t enter real life. I do believe it’ll come full circle too, though. Heh heh. “Full circle”. Like fake boobs. Heh heh.

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