Archive for December 1st, 2010

01 Dec 2010

I’m the Baby!

7 Comments Personal Crap

I’m not gonna lie.

Posting seems incredibly hard right now. The holidays have made me miss my dad even more than I already had been, it’s been very busy, my mom has needed me a bit more than usual, and all of a sudden I’m sad about the decision we made to not have any other kids. I don’t think it’s the wrong decision. I’m just mourning a little.

So, I’ve been crying a lot. Like a little baby, ironically.  I hate when I don’t have control over my emotions. Sometimes it feels good to cry. Other times, I just want to smack myself and make it stop. But mostly, I just shove large handfuls of kettle corn in my mouth or drink more coffee than I should. It quiets the voices.

I have to give away the potty, the breast-feeding pillow, the grocery-cart cover and the other odds and ends that are taking up space in my office. It’s a good thing. We are a complete family and my husband and I have made this choice based on what’s best for us, for our marriage, and for our son. But all of a sudden I’m having a rough time with it.  I realize I posted about this before, but it feels new again. I watch G play alone with his toys, which he LOVES DOING by the way, and I picture a baby sitting next to him. He’d be such a fantastic big brother. I know it in my gut. And I think that’s what I’m most sad about.

For us, all of our reasons not to have another make a ton of sense. And after talking to my husband today, they make even more sense than I originally thought. I think I’m just worried about G being alone. I don’t want that for him.

But we provide what we do want for him: a fun, secure, loving environment. Discipline. Laughter. Honesty. And we do it all the best we can. I just always want him to know that this decision wasn’t entered into lightly. We thought about it and talked about it over and over again. And he is the easiest, most fun, most loving child. So I know it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense from the outside. We’ve been so lucky, so why wouldn’t we do it again?

I feel like I’m repeating myself. It’s just that I can’t write about something I’m not really thinking about. And I guess I wanted to explain why my blogging has slowed a bit. I mean, it’s the holidays so I know a lot of people are taking it a little easy right now. Anyway, there you are. I’m gonna go cry some more now. Or eat popcorn. Or watch something on TiVo and ignore everything else.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

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