Archive for January 12th, 2011

12 Jan 2011

No Resolutions

6 Comments Health, Personal Crap

It’s a new year. But that has nothing to do with anything.

It’s been six months since my dad died. That has a lot more to do with it.

Last Monday I stopped stuffing my face with food to stuff down my feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I was feeling what I needed to feel. I still am. But I was using food to make it hurt less, to give me something to do, to give me something else to be frustrated with instead of my loss. But I stopped all of that last Monday.

This isn’t about me losing weight or fitting into my clothes, although I’m looking forward to that. This is about me feeling like myself again and going through what I need to go through without sacrificing my health or too much of my sanity. I’m already feeling like I own my body again. And today I did something I haven’t done in at least a year. I worked out. I walked Bogie for 20 minutes, just to warm up. Then I did Jillian Michaels‘ 30 Day Shred, Level 1. It kicked my ass. It hurt like a bitch. I couldn’t believe how hard it was. And I loved every second of it.

I felt more like myself in the moments after working out, then I have in six months. I felt like I had a little control back. I saw myself in the mirror; my hair up, t-shirt and sweats on. I was sweating like crazy. For the last six months I’ve only had that catharsis after a good cry. And I know I’ll have many more of those. It comes daily, still. I still think about calling him, then remember. I still think to share something with him, then remember. I still pound the steering wheel and curse. And I still will, I’m sure. But today I channeled it all in a way that was so good for me. For ME.

I’m in therapy.

It’s been really good for me.

But it’s also been a lot of hard work, and I’m in the thick of it at this moment. Dealing with shit I would rather run from. I’m not enjoying it all of a sudden. It’s sticky and hard and I resent having to do it. But I’m doing it. For me. And for my husband and son. Because all I honestly want in this lifetime is to feel joy, and to share it with the people I love. And that has never been a hard place for me to get to. And I want to keep it that way.

So I’m working on my brain, and my heart. And now I’m back to working on my muscles, and my heart. And I will do all of this knowing that everything we have here is so fleeting, so temporary. And it doesn’t always come as easily as it usually does for me. It won’t always come as easy.

I’m working on myself now, not for any New Year’s resolutions. But because I love myself and my boys.

Oh, yeah. And abs. I miss my abs.

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