02 May 2011

WhY Chromosome? WhY not?

22 Comments Family, Newborn, Pregnancy

This is what I wrote for Listen To Your Mother. The show was yesterday and it was a blast.


When I found out I was pregnant, I prayed for a boy. “Please, God. Please let it be a boy. I don’t know what I’d do with a girl. I understand boys. Please, God.” Girls scare me. They always have. Where boys are filthy little balls of energy, girls are judgy, cliquey little bundles of emotion. And I’m pretty sure they hate my clothes.

For the 11 weeks before genetic testing was to take place… Yes I had genetic testing. I was 35. My eggs were 35. And I had to make sure the kid was my husband’s. So for the 11 weeks before the genetics test I danced back and forth between desperately wanting a boy and feeling guilty for not wanting a girl. But then telling the girl to stop being such a little princess and get over it. “Oh God, please make it a boy.”

When I finally went for the genetic test I realized I just wanted a healthy baby… boy. Shut up! I’m being honest. The test was horrible and terrifying and I held my breath for the next 48 hours, praying that nothing had gone wrong or hurt the beautiful boy who was growing inside me.

A week later, I got a call from my doctor. My heart raced as I pulled the car over to call back. This is it. This is it! “Lisa?”, he started out. “YES! I’m Lisa!” “First of all”, he said, “the baby seems very healthy. Everything looks good.” I started to cry. I had a healthy baby inside me. I hadn’t expected that to hit me so hard. A healthy baby. Oh my god. I was going to have a baby. Only two years previous I hadn’t wanted anything to do with it. I didn’t even really like kids or understand what to do with them. I didn’t get why parents thought their filthy little monkeys were so cute or interesting or anything but petrie dishes and snot monsters and little bags of flesh who ruined my restaurant experiences on no less than 13 occasions. And now, here I was, in my car in Toluca Lake right by the Trader Joes, on the phone with my doctor who just informed me that my pending snot monster was healthy. “Do you want to know the sex?”, He asked. “YES!! PLEASE!” “Well… It’s a boy.” OH  MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH I HAVE TO CALL MY HUSBAND!!!!! I screamed into the phone and hung up.

I immediately dialed my husband’s phone, knowing he was in a meeting but praying he would answer. “Hello?” he said. “RUSS?”, I said. “YES.”, he said. “IT’S A BOY!!!”

Now, at this point I was apparently hysterical and insane and so all he heard on his end was, “IT’S A MWAH!”

“WHAT??”, came the reply.

“IT’S A MWAH!”, I repeated, completely perplexed at his lack of understanding. Clearly the kid was already hurting our communication.

“I CAN NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.”, he said.

I took a deep breath. “It’s. A. Boy, honey. We’re having a little boy.”

His jubilation on the other end made up for the incredibly frustrating previous 10 seconds. We celebrated, he went back to his meeting…… And I called my doctor back. The receptionist answered and I asked to speak to my OB. “He’s with a patient.” “Can I just ask you a favor? He told me my baby is a boy, but now I’m afraid I heard him wrong. Could you just look at my file?” The 26 seconds that followed felt like at least 38 seconds. When she returned to the phone, she assured me there was a boy in my uterus. I thanked her and hung up so I could thank God for answering my selfish prayer. “God, thank you for my healthy baby. Thank you for my beautiful husband and this glorious day. And thank you for knowing that I’m ill equipped to deal with a little girl. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.  Oh, you know what I mean.”

On September 18, 2007, I had a perfect little boy. He has made me something I never knew I wanted to be: A Mom. And to be a mom is to be an emotional wreck, an anxiety-ridden freak, a goofball, a nurturer, a chef, a story reader, a story writer, a bather, a lecturer, a teacher, a friend. To be a mom is to step aside, to create confidence, to cheer from the sidelines, to pray harder than you ever have. To be a mom is to know such great happiness that it physically hurts sometimes, and to want more than you have ever wanted for someone other than yourself. I am more fully who I am now then I ever knew I could be. I am Garrett’s Mom. And I am blessed every day.

But God help the bitch he brings home. I do not deal well with girls.

written by
Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

22 Responses to “WhY Chromosome? WhY not?”

  1. Reply Truthful Mommy says:

    Love it.I was the exact opposite. All I wanted was a girl.I would have been ecstatic as long as my baby was healthy but I REALLY wanted a girl. I have no idea what to do with a boy.I’m sure I’d figure it out but I had all these dreams of dressing a little girl and doing her hair. Shopping and doing teas. Manicures and pedicures. Teaching her all the things that wish my mom had taken the time to explain. I am now the mom of two wonderful little girls who are amazing in ways I never knew possible but the emotional balls of crazy makes life a little challenging at times. I am fearing the teen years:)

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Deborah, it seems God gives us what we can handle, doesn’t it? It is funny though, a couple of my friends also only wanted boys but had girls. And… Drum roll please… THEY LOVE THEM! I know I would have loved whoever we were given, but I also feel we were meant to have a boy. Actually, we were meant to have Garrett. No doubt in my mind. So glad you commented!!

  2. Reply Milaka says:

    Awesome. I wish I could have seen it!

    You know, I felt the same way about having a boy when I first got pregnant. I was terrified of having a boy. I’m a girl! I know girls! I could warn her that girls were catty and bitchy and didn’t play fair. But boy??? Boys are energetic and loud and gross and dirty and can pee on you while still lying down. Also, we knew we wanted two kids. I knew that I could handle two girls, but what if I had a boy BOTH times?!?!?! Ahhhhh!

    God knew how to handle me. He gave me my Princess first (who loved pink until she was about 6 and has shunned the color ever since) and then calmed me down and gave me Buddy. Buddy is energetic and loud and gross and dirty and peed on my while lying on his changing table. But I love every minute of it.

    I love it that God knows what we can handle – even when we aren’t so sure. 😉

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Yes, Milaka!!! Someone up there GETS IT!! How cool that you got one of each. I bet they (and you) are amazing.

  3. Reply David says:

    Lisa–

    I love your enthusiasm whenever you talk about your family!!! Love reading these little vignettes!! However, I must comment–I can easily see you in a back room somewhere, quietly stropping the straight razor while Poor Russell desperately runs kindly interference during your guys’ first introduction to Garret’s intended mate (I’m sorry–I heard the same from my own mother growing up as her only son, and you reminded me of my Mom, here. This hints that you have a healthy, defensive love for your child, and you’re going to be ‘Mama Bear’ for all she’s worth).

    Hang in there, lady, and keep up The Good!

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      David, hilarious!! Razors aside, I will do my best to be a great mother-in-law to whomever G chooses. I will owe it to the girl because my MIL has been so wonderful to me from the very beginning, even though I married her baby, and didn’t know how to cook!! 😉

  4. Reply Norma Lamothe says:

    That is wonderful! I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for sharing. Boys are special. I had 4 of the wonderful little creatures.

  5. Reply Koch says:

    Bravo.

  6. Reply Alexandra says:

    I was meant to have boys, too.

    And I”m blessed with 3.

    They’re greater than people tell you.

    I heard you rocked LTYM!

    I’m in the Madison show, It’s awesomely amazing to be part of this work of women, isn’t it??

    And? I LOVE YOU on clean house.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Wow, Alexandra… Thanks!!! SO awesome to be a part of that show. Break a leg in Madison!! I can’t wait to watch Everyone’s pieces on line when they’re posted!!

  7. Reply Meredith says:

    Lisa,
    I am so glad your honest so the rest of us dont feel so alone. I personally didnt care what I was having and for my whole pregnancy I thought I was having a boy, so I was prepared but it turns out my beautiful baby boy was a girl. So as the saying goes when life gives u lemons well I made a tomboy. You are truely awesome and I also love u on clean house. Cant wait to read more

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Thank you for the new comment, Meredith!! A tomboy! Awesome. How soon before she rebels and comes home with pink toe nails and too much lipgloss??

  8. Reply Carla says:

    I do not have children. Unless you count the 45 year old I am engaged to! I did get to spend the day at Disneyland saturday with our 4 year old niece. TOTAL girl. I love hanging out with them, but at the end of the day, My fiance is enough for me to handle. Lisa, you make me believe that being a Mom is the greatest thing on the planet. And I love it.!

    Oh yeah, you forgot to add Catwoman to your list…You are Catwoman!

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Carla, that may just be the best compliment I’ve ever gotten. I’m so glad that the joy I feel as a parent comes through. Thank you for saying that.
      And yes, let’s count your fiancé as a child!
      Signed,
      Cat Woman

  9. Reply anymommy says:

    So incredibly funny. I wish I could have heard you read it in person. I have three boys … and I kept right on praying for a little boy right up through the last push on the last baby. (But, we adopted a girl, poor little spoiled princess.)

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Anymommy, HAH! So great! My hubs is the baby of three boys. Good for you for throwing a girl in the mix!! You’re doing all of your boys a huge service. And apparently that service is teaching them how to spoil a girl! Works for me!

  10. Reply Sherry says:

    I was positive I was having a little girl! Right up until the night before we were to find out if it was a boy or girl. I dreamed I had a blonde boy. Which is exactly what I had! Love him to pieces 🙂

  11. Reply TracyK says:

    F***ing Fantastic! Your definition of mom should be in the dictionary.

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