Archive for May 24th, 2011

24 May 2011

Road to Contentment

11 Comments Health, Personal Crap

I’m angry with myself again. For a minute there I was very happy with my weight. I wasn’t super thin like I was last year, but I felt good with the extra pounds. I felt like me again. But then I stopped paying attention to what I was eating and I haven’t worked out in months… So I feel like I failed myself again.

I’m angry because I do this over and over. I get to a place where I feel good and then I blow it. But it almost feels intentional. I remember thinking to myself a few weeks ago, “I’m going to screw this up again. I’ll just keep eating until I don’t fit into my jeans and I’m angry at myself.” Mission accomplished.

This is not AT ALL about what I look like. It’s about the way I feel, both physically and mentally. And I’m writing about it because I think we all do it to ourselves in one way or another. Like we don’t feel we deserve to be fully happy with ourselves… Or for ourselves.

I’m going to be 40 in November, and this is a trend I would like to stop by then. I no longer crave to be super-thin. In fact, I’m a little sad that there are 10 episodes of a show out there where I’m supposed to be representing women, and I look like a little boy. I truly want to be healthy and happy in my own skin. And all it takes to do that is paying attention. I know I can do it. I’ve done it 100 times in the past. The piece I seem to be missing, however, is how to do it permanently. To be honest, I haven’t met many people who know how.

I want to be one of those people who work exercise into their daily routine, no matter what. And who eat moderately, still allowing themselves to really enjoy food. And I want to fit comfortably into the clothes I already have.

I feel like I’ve written this before. I know I have, many times. I guess I’m just thinking it will resonate with you, as well. Because I think it’s very common, even though I know there are varying degrees of it. I know people look at me and think I’m crazy to feel this way, but they aren’t in my body. I know what my body is capable of and I know when I’m letting myself down. And I think one of the worst feelings is being disappointed in myself.

Really, all I want is to find a place where I’m happy with ME and stay there. I feel like I deserve that. We all do, don’t we? And we are in control of that. Only us.

I also notice, and tell me if you notice this too, that when I’m feeling this way everything else is out of whack. My car is messier. My house is unorganized. And I don’t concentrate as well which leads to things like parking tickets or forgetting I have to cook the turkey that’s in the fridge before it goes bad. So, I end up wasting money, too. ┬áIt seems like it all goes together.

I’m going to begin this journey again. This journey of feeling good about myself and my surroundings. The cool part is, I’m always closer to being happy with myself than I used to be. I think maybe that comes with age.

If you’re on your own personal “happy” journey, I’d like to know. I’d love to hear what has worked for you and what hasn’t. We all have our own measure of what makes us feel good. None of us should compare ourselves to each other. But what makes you feel the best about you? And do you stay in that place?