24 May 2011

Road to Contentment

11 Comments Health, Personal Crap

I’m angry with myself again. For a minute there I was very happy with my weight. I wasn’t super thin like I was last year, but I felt good with the extra pounds. I felt like me again. But then I stopped paying attention to what I was eating and I haven’t worked out in months… So I feel like I failed myself again.

I’m angry because I do this over and over. I get to a place where I feel good and then I blow it. But it almost feels intentional. I remember thinking to myself a few weeks ago, “I’m going to screw this up again. I’ll just keep eating until I don’t fit into my jeans and I’m angry at myself.” Mission accomplished.

This is not AT ALL about what I look like. It’s about the way I feel, both physically and mentally. And I’m writing about it because I think we all do it to ourselves in one way or another. Like we don’t feel we deserve to be fully happy with ourselves… Or for ourselves.

I’m going to be 40 in November, and this is a trend I would like to stop by then. I no longer crave to be super-thin. In fact, I’m a little sad that there are 10 episodes of a show out there where I’m supposed to be representing women, and I look like a little boy. I truly want to be healthy and happy in my own skin. And all it takes to do that is paying attention. I know I can do it. I’ve done it 100 times in the past. The piece I seem to be missing, however, is how to do it permanently. To be honest, I haven’t met many people who know how.

I want to be one of those people who work exercise into their daily routine, no matter what. And who eat moderately, still allowing themselves to really enjoy food. And I want to fit comfortably into the clothes I already have.

I feel like I’ve written this before. I know I have, many times. I guess I’m just thinking it will resonate with you, as well. Because I think it’s very common, even though I know there are varying degrees of it. I know people look at me and think I’m crazy to feel this way, but they aren’t in my body. I know what my body is capable of and I know when I’m letting myself down. And I think one of the worst feelings is being disappointed in myself.

Really, all I want is to find a place where I’m happy with ME and stay there. I feel like I deserve that. We all do, don’t we? And we are in control of that. Only us.

I also notice, and tell me if you notice this too, that when I’m feeling this way everything else is out of whack. My car is messier. My house is unorganized. And I don’t concentrate as well which leads to things like parking tickets or forgetting I have to cook the turkey that’s in the fridge before it goes bad. So, I end up wasting money, too.  It seems like it all goes together.

I’m going to begin this journey again. This journey of feeling good about myself and my surroundings. The cool part is, I’m always closer to being happy with myself than I used to be. I think maybe that comes with age.

If you’re on your own personal “happy” journey, I’d like to know. I’d love to hear what has worked for you and what hasn’t. We all have our own measure of what makes us feel good. None of us should compare ourselves to each other. But what makes you feel the best about you? And do you stay in that place?

written by
Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

11 Responses to “Road to Contentment”

  1. Reply Trish says:

    Clearly, I live this everyday too! I think what is so amazing, is what you make very clear, it’s not about being flawless, its about learning to find the balance…(ps. the second you do it seems something knocks it outta whack!)

    I adore you for always being honest & authentic, and the great news is, we both know that how we feel is direct alignment of how we live…and working towards it is more than half the battle!

    I heart u to pieces

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Thanks, Trish. Ah yes, a balance. That is what I try to achieve every single day. And some days (today, in fact) I actually get there. xo

  2. Reply Sue says:

    In a word “Amen”

    For me, I think the very thing that keeps me from being down too long is the exact thing that keeps me from staying happy. Everything changes – nothing stays the same. Which is great when life is a mess and out of whack but works against me when things are going well. If the bad times don’t last well then by that same logic neither will the good. Drat! I need to find a better happy mantra.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Oh GOSH, Sue!! You MUST MUST MUST allow yourself happiness whenever you can. Yes, things can change in a moment’s notice. But wouldn’t it be a tragedy if you could have been truly happy, if even for a moment, and you didn’t allow yourself? Never be afraid to be happy, even if it won’t last. (Because guess what? It also COULD last. You never know.)

  3. Reply Juliet says:

    Yep, me too.

    I have one female friend who actually seems to be able to do this. Her weight doesn’t fluctuate much, her life seems hugely busy but manageable, her kids are pretty content as is her husband, she works full-time, and her house is organized and could host a party at any minute. She even makes time for stuff she enjoys, like participating in a book club, volunteering at church, and even, yes, vegging out in front of the TV from time to time. I’m hugely envious of this ability.

    She does always seem to have a list of things in transition – the groceries, the chores, the to-do, and she is a planner. But so am I, and I can’t figure out where I derail with so many fewer things on my plate.

    Perhaps it’s the body in motion, stays in motion principle? If you practice the balance it becomes second nature? I find that I’m just fine for a period of time as well, but then “something” happens, an out of the ordinary event, and I struggle for so long to re-adapt.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Juliet, who is this person? Have you ever stopped by unannounced?? I wonder if all of her clutter is shoved in a closet somewhere and when she says “volunteering at the church” she’s really downing a bottle of rose’? Well, I guess some people really do have it all “together”. My journey now is getting it “more together” but learning to be more content even when I don’t. And I have to tell you, the last couple of days have been splendid (Even though I have a cold!)

  4. Reply AL says:

    It IS all about the continuing journey of life and along the way, finding balance in all aspects of our lives. Women are slaves to their own body chemistry, it’s true. Men pretty much go through puberty and arrive at some level of testosterone or other, and we?…WE continuously go through changing hormonal patterns throughout our lifetime!…God is definately NOT a woman?

    We allow ourselves to be influenced by forces outside ourselves, both to our benefit and detriment, sometimes at the exact same time. The good news? We want to be the best for our loved ones but in the process, we turn away from who we are as people in order to meet unrealistic expectations. The problem lies in we don’t realize how unrealistic we are being at the time! Hindsight is our only true barometer of where we are headed….

    So we bake, clean, organize to re-create those feelings of balance while all around us, life happens. Our families are our anchors, always. You are wise beyond your years and experience, so you will find your way more easily than someone who is not learning life’s lessons as they go along. Remembering to breathe life in, but also to “exhale”..that is, to love ourselves, knowing we are perfect and imperfect beings all at the same exact moment…and that is just fine.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      AL, I promise I am remembering to breathe life in. And when I forget to exhale… I’m very pleased you are there to remind me. Thank you.

  5. Reply Milaka says:

    Are we the same person? Because I’ve been feeling this exact thing lately. More later ’cause I’m plumb tuckered (that’s Texan for “I’m really tired at this particular moment.”).

  6. Reply Angela says:

    Wow. I get what u totally mean. makes sense we all feel like that.
    it’s normal.
    i eat horrible at times too. It’s a part of learning. that u can think for next time this is what I did wrong. And improve. so then it’s time where u kinda have to say live and let love don’t feel bad for your choice cos we r all in learning mode to find a balance right?
    I use to work out but for a bout a month I stopped I got lazy its cold . I ate alot of shit this last week. Which won’t help to give me any motivation due to the fact it’s toxic. and when I feel I eat healthy I have the motivation. But I don’t know I think what I’m writing makes sense?
    Hmm does it? I’m bit bad with writing. So sorry…

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