29 Aug 2011

All the Ways I’ve Hurt Myself

37 Comments Uncategorized

Commenting on a post over at Suburban Scrawl, reminded me of one of the first lame ways I injured myself, which reminded me of the many others. So I thought I’d tell you about them.

The first happened when I was around 12.  My grandma was over and I was in the kitchen, probably looking for a snack. I opened one of the cabinets that held the pots and pans and saw a little, dead mouse. I didn’t want to scare my grandma, so I tried to stifle my screams and ran out the front door. I figured I’d get the mail and sit out there until I decided how to re-enter the house. On the way to running, barefooted toward the mailbox, I felt a sharp pain in my foot that instantly drove me to the ground. The gardeners were there and had apparently left a rake, tines up, on the driveway. You know how in cartoons, when a guy steps on a rake, the handle pops up and hits him in the face? That’s totally not what happened to me. What happened instead, was the tines went through my foot in two places and came through the top of my foot.

I don’t completely remember what happened next. I believe I pulled the rake out of my foot, but it might have been my grandma who did it. Within an hour, I was at the ER getting tetanus shots.  When I got home, I decided to tell my parents about the mouse so they could dispose of it. They did. It was easy because it was a leaf. I stepped on a rake because of a leaf.

A couple of years before this incident I was going to the mall with the same grandma and my mom, as any good Valley Girl would do on a weekend in the 80’s. I was wearing open-toed sandals and insisted on opening the door, which opened right over my foot and pulled the entire nail off of my big toe.  The bleeding was constant, as was the pain. My mom carried me to a bench and shoved my foot in a bucket of ice she got from the restaurant right inside the mall. Again, within moments, we were on the way to the ER. But, get this, on the way there… My mom stopped at 7-11 to get me a frigging ICEE. The extra moments of not getting medical attention were totally worth the extra Mom-Attention. I’ll never forget that. Or the screaming I did when I got shots in my foot. Or the screaming I did when the bandage was pulled off my toe a few days later. But mostly the ICEE.

Fast-forward a few years. I was 14 or 15, spending my summer at drama camp at Cal State Northridge. (Yes, I went to drama camp every summer for five awesome years. Shut up.) It was lunch time and all of my friends and I were deciding where to eat.  Half of us were on one side of Nordhoff, a busy street, and the others were on the other side. When we finally decided on Taco Bell, I yelled across the street, “Meet us at Taco Bell!” The word, “Bell” had hardly escaped from my lips when I walked, WALKED, into a telephone pole which was covered with nails and staples. It knocked me out for a second, and when I came-to, I put my hands to my face. I pulled them away to see them covered in blood. There was a dentist’s office right there, and my friends had the wherewithal to drag me in and get me some ice. About an hour later, my mom picked me up, shaking her head at my lame klutzery, (the ICEE days apparently long gone). I missed the next few days of camp and thought I looked like a monster with the dried staple-scabs all over my face. Years later, when I was getting rhinoplasty consultations, I was told over and over that I had broken my nose. I never knew.

And those are just three of the many lame ways I have hurt myself. I bet you have some stories you could share. Just be delicate. These kinds of stories always make me cringe.

written by
Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

37 Responses to “All the Ways I’ve Hurt Myself”

  1. Reply Mr. Bloomberg says:

    I feel really bad that I’m laughing so hard right now.

  2. Reply Lisa Rae @ smacksy says:

    Okay, ow. OW!
    Your sign story reminded me… in my early and very dramatic 20’s I was having a very vocal and very dramatic fight in the street with a boyfriend (always a class act, that 20-year-old me) and after my parting verbal shot, I turned to run away and slammed my head into a street sign. Out cold. Dramatic dumbass. There was an ER co-pay involved and a teensy bit of humility.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      LISA!! That is hilarious! Yours might even be a smidge more embarrassing than mine. I appreciate that very much.

  3. Reply elaine says:

    slightly different… but growing up with my “voice” stifled… i never learned how to speak up for myself… defend myself…. or value myself to believe my thoughts / ideas mattered…. got involved with 2 (married/divorced one) very controlling men. that “hurt” me… hurt my self esteem, self worth… but acknowledging all that is half the battle… and I am growing… learning…. liking myself more. :o)

    Lisa, your stories made me cringe…. and smiled a little, knowing you were ok from all those bumps….

    miss you, friend!!!

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Oh, Elaine. Those kind of hurts take a whole lot longer to heal. SO glad to hear you’re learning and LIKING YOURSELF!! You should! If you’re anything like you were in High School, you’re pretty awesome.

  4. Reply Melisa says:

    I don’t have ANYTHING that even comes close to any of those stories. I’m still cringing, and feeling a little nauseated for you. YIKES.

    Maybe you should cover yourself in bubble wrap.

  5. Reply Colleen - Mommy Always Wins says:

    MAN. I could make a weekly column outta stories like this! Glad to know I have company in the “I am as graceful as a water buffalo” camp! 😉

  6. Reply Michelle says:

    WOW! Nothing like that has happened to me . . . yet. I’m starting a yoga class in a few weeks so I’m sure I’ll have some stories soon enough.

    My injuries almost always involve tripping. I guess with size 10WW feet, that is bound to happen.

  7. Reply marilee says:

    I was in a race to the end of the block when I was 5 against my brother. We collided and I fell face first, knocking my 2 front teeth hopelessly loose. My mouth was open so wide as I made my way back to the finish line that my family thought I was smiling! Not! They had to remove what was left of my teeth and I heard the song, “All I want for Christmas is my 2 Front Teeth” for 3 years! BTW, my school pictures for the next few years were lovely.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      That is a HUGE fear of mine, Marilee! Knocking teeth out on the pavement? DEAR GOD!!! I’m sure the pics are FANTASTIC!

  8. Reply Milaka says:

    I’ve broken two bones in my body – neither were in a place you could put a cast. And both of those bones I’ve broken MORE THAN ONCE! Sigh.

    The first time I broke my tailbone, I was 12 and a friend of mine and I were being silly in an elevator. We would wait until the elevator started moving upward and then we would very quickly bend our knees and throw our hands up like the elevator was supersonic. I did it way TOO quickly and fell on my butt. (The second and THIRD times I broke it were very legit – slipped on ice once and slipped on a moss covered rock once).

    Needless to say, my dad had many, many jokes about my ass being in a sling.

    The first time I broke my toe (the 4th one on my right foot – the piggy that had none), I was stumbling to the bathroom at 2:00 in the morning trying to figure out what my cat was complaining about. I had been ironing the night before – with a small table top ironing board, but I had it on the floor. I slammed my foot into one of the little legs of the ironing board. NOT fun! I had just graduated from college so I was still under my parents’ insurance and was still eligible to go to the campus med center so (thank goodness) it didn’t cost me an arm and a leg. (Punny!) I was doing sketch comedy during that time, but we had a small break so I only had to wear my boot for a few shows.

    The second time, I actually didn’t break the toe, I cracked it. I stubbed the toe on a HUGE bone that we’d given our dog to chew. At that time, I was in a cover band that did fifties and sixties tunes complete with sequins and beehives, etc. So I covered my boot in sequins and wore a little white sneaker on the other foot and the show went on!

    My husband stepped on a rake one time and split his eyebrow. The next day at church the pastor asked what happened and when Hubby told him, our PASTOR started humming the theme from the Three Stooges. Gotta love a pastor with a sense of humor!

    Those are my squirmy stories. I’m sure I have some that involve blood, but I’ll just keep those to myself.

  9. Reply Tracy K says:

    Yesterday a steak knife fell off the counter and stabbed me through my pinky toe. Haven’t screamed that loud since Leah was born. :). I put pressure until the bleeding stopped and then wrapped with gauze. Brandon wanted to kiss it and make it better, which really did.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Tracy!!! OH MY GOD!!! That is ridiculous!!! OUCH!! So sweet that B kissed it. That makes everything better.

  10. Reply Carla says:

    I am the world biggest klutz…but luckily I have only broken my big toe….endless trips down and up stairs…walked backwards and fell into a box….I constantly have bumps and brusies…I have run a pitchfork through my foot as a kid,,,,but I used to rollerskate, and once on a cement floor I fell and messed up my kneecap…I got up, and shook it off, but skated a day or 2 later, and I do think It causes problems as I get older….It sure was fun tho!

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Carla, you’re gonna have to convince me with WAY worse stories, if you’re the world’s biggest klutz!! Although you do sound kind of klutzy. I, too have bruises galore. Always so lovely.

  11. Reply Alexandra says:

    Oh, those stories..they make me stomach rock and roll , and not in a good way.

  12. Reply Alexandra says:

    Oh, and smacksy’s story.
    Pure gold.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      I’m with you, Alexandra. I can not hear other people’s stories about stuff like this without almost puking. And smacksy’s story can not be beat!

  13. Reply Melaina25 says:

    I thought I was accident prone! I did once give myself a concussion and haematoma when a ironing board fell on my head which is pretty impressive if I do say so myself 🙂 Other injuries include a black eye from a Biore pore strip, sprained ankle from attempting to talk on the phone and descend stairs at the same time and broken finger for accidentally punching my wing mirror.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Melaina, the Biore Pore Strip black eye is GENIUS!!! I’m assuming you punched yourself trying to pull it off?? That is SO something I would do. Bravo!

      • Reply Melaina25 says:

        I did give myself another black eye while blowdrying my hair (smacked myself with giant wooden paddle brush) but the Biore strip I somehow tore it off in such a manner which caused the skin to bruise. I told everyone my roommate threw me into a door.

  14. Reply Poppy says:

    That seriously made my pee pee hurt. I hope you have toughened up some because I’m sure your little boy is going to bring you home more disgusting things than a tiny ol’ leaf mouse.

  15. Reply Christine says:

    When I was 12 the big kids all had skateboards. I asked to try one. They said, “You don’t know how, you’ll get hurt.” I insisted I could, so they let me. Within 9 seconds of flying down my hill on a skateboard that I had no idea how to ride I found myself sailing through the air and landed on my wrist, spraining it, along with my pride, quite painfully. To this day I am anti-skateboard and refuse to let Kate have one.

    When I was 13, I was in a bike race. Not an organized race, a “hey keys all ride our bikes really friggin fast and see who gets to the corner first” race. I was way in the lead, and the boy behind me hit my back tire. I found myself flying through the air again but this time I deftly protected my wrist and landed on my face. Note that I wear glasses, which smashed into my face. Note, also, that the blood from facial wounds is so voluminous that all my fellow racers took off in fear. A neighbor lady walked me home to my mom with a white towel, which by the time we got home was red, held against my bloody mess of a face. But my bike, and my wrist, were both unharmed.

    That’s two of many many many klutztastic stories I can share. I’ve got 42 years worth. I’m currently nursing a dislocated ring toe from an “I thought the pool was deeper than that” incident. Good thing I have a high pain tolerance. And also the ability to laugh at my dangerous lack of coordination.

  16. Reply Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac says:

    Aaack! Sorry, but I couldn’t quite finish the paragraph about the big toenail. Stories about nail injuries give me MAJOR heebie-jeebies. And eyeball stuff. (shiver!) But I laughed out loud about the leaf!

  17. Reply The Flying Chalupa says:

    The tines – NOT THE TINES! For the love of horror movies, NO! Good god, Lisa, your poor mom, but can I just say how much I love you because of your klutz status? I, too, am a bit of a klutz. But I blame my freakishly small hands. And that fact that I took ballet lessons. (My father always says dancers are the biggest klutzes.)

    But you’ve inspired me to possibly write an injury post! This is so exciting! Stay tuned for possible props!

  18. Reply As Cape Cod Turns says:

    It’s probably wrong to be laughing here, right?

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