Archive for January, 2012

30 Jan 2012

A Kiss is Just a Kiss

8 Comments Uncategorized

They’re playing kissing games at school. I don’t know what the games consist of, but I’m pretty sure there’s kissing involved. Really? At four years old??

I’m thinking back. I do remember playing chase and kiss in elementary school. Maybe in kindergarten. Definitely in first and second grade. I remember Wednesday was Wedding Day. Every day had a theme, but that’s the only one I remember. Monday might have been Marriage Day. I’m not sure how that differed from Wedding Day, but maybe instead of kissing you just stared at each other or talked about bills and the kids.

Please note, names have been changed to protect the innocent. G came home from school last week and said, “Mom, I’m not marrying Rose because she doesn’t like kissing.” I asked how he knew that fact. “Have you tried kissing her?” He got quiet and said he hadn’t. I asked if he’d asked if she liked to kiss. He again said no. When I brought this up to Rose’s mom on Friday she said, “Oh he must be talking about the kissing game!”

At that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have a son, and my son is not going to give me details about things like a girl would. This is going to be hard for me. I like details. I thrive on details. But it’s just something I’ll have to deal with, and the trade-off is I won’t have to deal with quite as many mood swings when he’s a teenager. But I’ve gone way off course here.

From what I understand, G and two other boys play these games. And there are only two girls (so far) who also play. I don’t know if there’s chasing involved, or if there’s a secret meeting place. I asked G if he kisses girls on the cheek or the lips. He said he doesn’t do either. Again, no details.

I wonder if I should bring this up to the teachers, but I don’t want to spoil things. I’m sure I’ll be spoiling a whole lot of stuff over the next 18 years, and I don’t want to spoil an innocent game of kiss kiss just yet. Right?  Then I think, “Is it completely innocent?” I mean, our dear son likes girls. He does. He likes them a lot. I had no idea a four-year-old boy could be so interested in the opposite sex. I thought most of them thought girls were “icky” or had “cooties”. But I think G sees them as little people who will soon look like Victoria’s Secret models. And they see him as “funny” and “sweet” and their parents see him as a little “gentleman”. He loves to hold doors open for them, and he approaches them to ask for play dates in the most polite way. He is a kind, lovely boy.

What if it’s all just so he can gain their trust and kiss their daughters??? What if my son was born to woo women, and every delightful move he makes is just to get the approval of these women, and their families? Did I give birth to the next George Clooney?  Hugh Hefner? Or is he just so damn, naturally charming that no one can resist him?  And, since no one is resisting, he’s getting a little kiss now and then? Is a womanizer a womanizer even if he’s womanizing unintentionally????

Calm down, Lisa. He’s four. He’s not womanizing. If anything, he’s girlizing. Toddlerizing, for Goodness’ Sake! And now it’s up to you to make sure you instill RESPECT and REVERENCE for women in this young man you gave birth to. You are raising a man, Lisa. A man who will either see women as objects, or as important, strong, smart, funny, active members of society with more to offer than sex. It is YOUR job, Lisa. Yours and your husband’s.

Oh shit. Did you hear all that? I talk to myself when I’m stressed.

It’s just a little kissing game. It’s healthy. They’re curious. At least they’re not playing doctor, yet. And there are no lockers to hide behind for “You show me yours”. They can’t fit into their cubbies, and the little house on the playground has big, picture windows so the teachers can see if there’s any monkey business going on.

Maybe I can institute theme days. I am a Room Mother, after all!  How about “Move Away From Me Monday”, “Touchless Tuesday”, “Walk Away Wednesday”, “Think First Thursay”, “Flirt From Afar Friday”. I think this could work. Or I can just keep my nose out of it for a while and enjoy these innocent times. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to ask the teachers to keep their eyes peeled, and I’ll certainly keep talking to the other parents.

It’s only a matter of time before kissing games turn into dating and making out and sex and marriage and all of that. So, it’s begun. At four. I’m just hoping and praying the kissing games go on for a while. I’m struggling so much looking for a Kindergarten, I can’t imagine having to look for a wedding venue.

I just passed out.

25 Jan 2012

Which Way RV Going to Go?

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I want to sell our house and buy an RV. Then I want to spend a year traveling the country, eating at diners, seeing national parks and learning the history of the states, going to amusement parks and American malls and science museums and art galleries. And then I want to come back here, rent an apartment in a great school district, send my kid to free school, and look for a new home.

There are two reasons I want to do this:

1. I do not want to spend the absurd and obscene amount of money it’s going to cost to send G to a DK, or developmental kindergarten, which is the school between preschool and kindergarten.

2. I want to know a lot more about this great country we live in, and I want Garrett to see it.

Oh, and 3. I really like diners.

It’d have to be a nice RV. I think we’ve established I’m a bit of a princess. I’m thinking somewhere between RV and Tour Bus. I’d want to cook, because man can’t live by diner alone. It’d probably have to be used, but it’d be clean and lovely and have a comfy, big bed in back and some bunks.  And couches. And a table to eat at or play games and do arts and crafts. And two TV’s.

Oh! I just thought of another reason. 4. It’d give me a chance to get rid of a whole lot of shit and start over when we got home.

This whole “looking for a school for next year” thing is really getting me down. Technically, G meets the cut-off date for kindergarten next year (for public school), but he’d be one of the very youngest for sure. And I don’t think that’s fair, especially since the trend seems to be going more and more toward holding kids (especially boys) back until they’re six. But our options for DK are very slim and they are all very expensive. Then there’s the following year to think about. I don’t love our school district, so I feel like we might be leaning toward private school. But the money that will take, paired with the fear that he might not be getting the “life lessons” he would get by being at a larger school, make me question whether or not private school is the way to go.

When I grew up, this discussion didn’t exist among the people I knew. You went to the school in your district. Period. Maybe it was different with the rich kids. Maybe their parents were fretting over which private school was best, filling out hundreds of applications, touring thousands of campuses. But my parents weren’t. Just typing this is filling me with so much anxiety I’m finding it hard to breathe.

The fact of the matter is, sending G to private school will stretch our finances in a way I don’t think we’re prepared for. And it will leave us with little extra for trips, or extracurricular activities. But sending him to public school might make me feel like I’m not doing enough for him. Like he’s not getting the attention and care he deserves, and like his intelligence might be overlooked because of the class size and student to teacher ratio.

This is all we talk about, by the way. The other moms and I. This is our main discussion. Which schools have you seen? How many are you applying to? How much is it? Are you applying for financial aid? Do they even have financial aid available? Do you know anyone else who has gone there? I hear you have to apply now if you want your kid to go there in two years. I don’t like their philosophy. I don’t like the way their bathrooms are set up. Did you see they have chickens? Their music program is great! They have yoga twice a week. Are they affiliated with the church or just renting space? Do they have options for after-school care?

It’s driving me batty, folks. It is. And I figure the only way to avoid it for a year (before I absolutely HAVE to deal with it), is to sell the house, buy an RV and run away. We’ll come back in time for kindergarten tours, but we’ll be so full of pancakes and knowledge about the USA, nothing will seem too daunting.

Now all I have to do is convince my husband that we can do this. And that we can totally take a year off of work. Or maybe it’s better if I just put the house up for sale without telling him. That’ll work, right?

18 Jan 2012

Lullaby

5 Comments Toddler

G often sings himself to sleep lately. He’s great at making up lullabies, probably because I’ve been doing it for him since he was a baby.  But he’s better at it than I am.

Tonight his lullaby was this:

I’m singing myself to sleep.

My mom is rocking on the rocking chair.

She loves me so much. More than all the planets.

Like Venus. And Jupiter. And Mars.

And I love her as much but she says I don’t love her as much as she does.

She loves me so much.

And so does Dad. But he’s at work.

(At this point he interrupted himself to ask what time Russ gets home from work.)

And he gets home in about an hour.

But he loves me too.

And now my mom is trying to not listen to me.

She’s not paying attention because she wants me to sleep.

(At this point I laughed out loud).

And she thought that was funny.

(At this point he asked if I did, in fact, think it was funny. To which I replied yes and then sort of harshly told him to close his eyes and go to sleep. Which he did… With a blanket shoved in his Batman pajama shirt. So he looks like fat Batman.)

Goodnight.

17 Jan 2012

January 17, 2012

13 Comments Personal Crap

“Watch this, mom. Watch. Watch. Watch this. Mom? Watch this. Are you watching? Watch. Watch this.”

He’s sliding across my office floor on an office chair. Back and forth. Using his legs to push him off the wall, into my desk. Then using them again to push himself off of my desk into the wall.

He has croup and is home from school today. He was home yesterday. And he’ll be home tomorrow.

I like it when he’s home. But it makes it hard to get stuff done.

I need to go grocery shopping. I need to fill out applications for schools for next year. I need to come up with some show ideas and an outline for an idea I’ve already had. I need to do a pushup or two before my arms become completely atrophied. And I really want to get into the blogging groove again.

He’s in the living room now. We made a fort out of blankets and he’s in there with a variety of toys, a few books, and my iphone on which he is currently watching pictures of Princess Leia set to classical music.

I fear in his later years he won’t be able to “perform” unless Mozart is playing in the background, and he’ll expect his lover to grace him with various poses that he can control by swiping his finger across a screen.

Luckily, this is not really one of my fears. Because my fears these days are taking up enough space in my head. I don’t have room for fake ones. But they make me laugh.

I’m shooting a pilot in three weeks and I’m anxious to say the least. Besides the fact that it’s been a while since I’ve shot something other than a clip show or a Disney guest star, I’m out of shape. I mean that literally and figuratively. I’m really, really out of shape. And I’m out of practice. I’ve been so immersed in mommy-hood for the last year, it’s difficult to get myself back into work mode. It makes me a nervous wreck. I’ve had a few meetings where I’ve had to put together outfits which didn’t include jeans and sweatshirts, and I even slapped on some high heels. If felt like the equivalent of being in a foreign country where you’re familiar with enough of the language to not be a complete nuisance, but not enough that anyone has the confidence in you to order for them when you go out to eat.

Garrett’s now asking if he can watch Apple TV. We got it as a gift from “People in Television” for Christmas, and it’s his newest obsession. He likes to watch YouTube videos of anything that has to do with Star Wars or the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song. If we can find the two of them meshed together (which we have), we’re in business.

He watched all of Star Wars on Sunday. The whole movie. We were going to wait a few years, but we didn’t. And, frankly, it was all fine. He probably sees scarier stuff on the giant pirate ship at school. He loved it. And now he can tell all his friends all about it. I’m happy for him.

I should go in there. He very well might be watching something inappropriate. Even though I have our settings set to “strict”, he happened upon a very naked drawing of a well-endowed Princess Leia-ish woman the other day. It was difficult to get my iphone pried out of his little fist.

But not as difficult as putting my feet into those damned high heels.

09 Jan 2012

One word at a time…

19 Comments Personal Crap

I’ve stood here before, in the dark waters of fear. Afraid to write, to create.

I go about my days doing all of the other things I need to do, ignoring the nagging voice in my head that says, “Write.”

I have things to tell you, things I want to say. But time gets in my way. No, not true. I can write at night. I can make the time. But I don’t because I’m afraid I can’t do it right anymore. So I stop. And I’ve stopped so many times in my life, it just feels like something I do. It comes naturally.

And so does regret. And so does disappointment in myself.

So I sat down tonight to write. Just to write these words. I’ve given myself no agenda or assignment. Just to write. What happened to that girl who used to go to coffee shops and fill pages and pages? She stopped, too. Then started again. Then stopped again.

I want to stop stopping.

To begin.

So that’s what I did just now.

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