18 Apr 2012

Bliss and B.S.

14 Comments Family, Personal Crap

One of the things I find fascinating about marriage is how it can change from Bliss to B.S. in a matter of days, or moments. The reality is that living with someone day in and day out… FOREVER… Can be challenging.  I personally find the challenge to be pretty spectacular. But it is a challenge, nonetheless.

Last Friday night my husband and I had a date night.  It was pretty much perfect. We went out for sushi, had a great talk, laughed, flirted… All the things you do before you’re married with kids. It was lovely. After dinner, we stopped by Trader Joes to pick up a few items we needed, then arrived home to see G-Man still awake and in his pajamas. After sending my mom home and getting the little rascal to bed, Russ and I enjoyed some fantastic, uh… Adult time, then settled in to watch three glorious episodes of Breaking Bad.

Earlier in the day, we had looked on-line to find a movie and realized we were missing the perfect opportunity to watch our favorite show. It was one of those moments where you know you’re with the ideal mate, who finds it just as exciting to sit on the couch with you, as staying out late.

Much of Saturday was spent reveling in the fun we had the night before.

Sunday was far less fun. Sunday was spent arguing. Sunday was the day I found out I have things I need to work on. Sunday sucked. (Yes, I will share my “issues” with you later.)

Sunday night as I was getting ready for bed, we hashed it all out. It was a productive, yet painful conversation and it helped us both to understand what we were dealing with. It was one of those moments where you again realize you’re with the ideal mate because he’s willing to do whatever it takes to talk it over, work it out, and make it good again.  It wasn’t fun. It was marriage.

I read a quote from Heidi Klum about how her divorce to Seal was a curveball, and how she had pictured her life as a happy couple with tons of kids and “a beautiful garden and trampolines and swings and things.” I think this image of marriage and family is a killer of marriage and family. Yes, I want the swings and trampolines and fun vacations and a giant playroom and love and beauty and, and, and… But THIS is not what it’s about. You have to work at a marriage and at being a parent. So much of it is easy and fun and lovely, but so very much of it is not. And when you’re exhausted and impatient and nearly 15 years in… It’s work. All of those “things”, all of those “extras” are part of it, if you’re lucky. But you don’t get to keep any of it if you don’t do the work.  Not to imply that Heidi and Seal didn’t work at it. I don’t know their deal. I just know that the whole “Princess and Prince riding off on a white horse” fantasy is just a fantasy,  (no matter how many times you publicly renew your vows.)

Our 12-year anniversary is in 12 days. It’s been a marriage filled with a ton of B.S. But, because we are lucky and we work at it, there’s been two tons of bliss.

written by
Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

14 Responses to “Bliss and B.S.”

  1. Reply Patty at A Day in My NYC says:

    So profound! 🙂 Congrats on 12 years! 🙂

  2. Reply Allison says:

    As I sip a glass of white wine all alone in a P.F. Chang’s right now reading your entry. I give you a warm hug! You are SO not alone in marriage woe’s. My smart cousin told me while pregnant this. “You & David make a great team now, but with baby on the way soon. You will now see this team be destroyed at times w the stress of a kid & that kid also keeping the Team glued together. Welcome to Real Marriage.” ps. She also added; “This is always going to be the envy & tears you will shed in private while thinking the grass is greener for others.” On that note, You are So Not Alone & this too shall pass. Hang in there, Lisa.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Thanks, Allison. I actually wrote it as more of a “marriage is hard but it’s AMAZING” kind of thing. I hope it doesn’t read like we’re having problems. If we never fought… It’d just be WEIRD!! Thanks so much for commenting. I’m blessed enough to know the tough stuff does pass. 😉

  3. Reply TracyK says:

    I thought it meant that you are already dating someone new. Just kidding!! Of course, it was clear (at least to me) that you meant its hard sometimes but worth the work. I couldn’t agree more. I think that sentiment actually transfers to A LOT of things in life. Many times (not always) things that are wonderful take work…marriages, children, dinner/birthday/holiday parties, fresh sheets on the bed…

  4. Reply Christine says:

    Ok, first of all, I have to share that you got married while I was in labor with Kate. How weird is that???

    And now I have to say that I absolutely hear you. Bill and I will celebrate our 17th anniversary on April 29th. Seventeen freaking years. And we haven’t killed each other yet. We’ve had some nasty ass fights, and it sure as shit hasn’t been easy. We’ve been to hell and back a few times. But we always find our way back to each other. Because we know there is no other option. We got married agreeing that it was truly a forever contract, no way out. So, although we have had our issues, we work them out. Its good work, productive work, necessary work. And, like you, I know its so worth it.

  5. Reply Melisa says:

    YES, YES, YES. I totally agree.

    I have always looked at marriage as a roller coaster. Even on the down parts, you know it’s going up again eventually, and vice versa. It’s not normal to have a relationship that involves zero disagreements and zero work. The work makes it all worth it. Happy early anniversary!! xoxo

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Gosh Melisa, hearing from my peeps who I know are happily married like me is making me KVEL! I love it. Thank you. xo

  6. Reply Milaka says:

    Preach it, sista! There are times in my marriage when I think, “NO ONE tells you about THIS stuff in the movies.” And I pity those people who have the sitcom or movie idea of marriage. Yes, there are those moments, but the reality is that there are bills to pay and dishes to wash and throw up to clean up and so on.

    Hubby and I will celebrate 17 years next month. It’s been so different from what I thought it would be! But I’d do it again in a heartbeat and wouldn’t change a thing. Well . . . except for the part about passing on the purchase of the condo. If I could do that again, I’d buy it. But that’s the only thing!


    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      DAMN CONDO!! Milaka, that condo didn’t DESERVE you!! (Does that help at all?) 17 years. Kick ass.

  7. Reply Carla says:

    Congrats Lisa! I hope you guys have a great anniversary…whatever you decide to do to celebrate. Mitch and I have been together for 11 years. Engaged for 10, and yes, we still have not managed to get properly married. We live together, just us and the 2 cats, and have no kids. I couldnt imagine having a child around…He couldnt handle it. He is kid enough himself. And with his issues…it is better this way. So my not being able to have kids does not make a big difference. Its hard sometimes, this relationship. But it is worth sticking it out, and has never proven to be, in the end, Anything but the best for us! I just hope that everyone out there can find that fairytale romance, no matter how fractured!

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      I love that, Carla. I think every fairytale is fractured. It has to be, to be realistic. It sounds like you guys have it pretty damn good. I am NOT as patient as you. Mitch is a lucky guy!!

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