23 Apr 2012

CONTROL

14 Comments Family, Personal Crap

So, remember the last post where I told you my husband and I had a fight about my “issues”? Well, my “issues” are that I use quotation marks too frequently. HA! Kidding. That’s not the case at all. My “issues” are that I’m a control freak. I guess that’s just one “issue”. But since it permeates every second of every day and affects almost everything that goes on in my life… It’s plural.  “Issues”.

I recognize that these issues are completely common among every woman that I know. As a gender, we enjoy knowing what’s going on at every moment and we enjoy even more when we know how whatever is going on is being handled. It’s what we do. It’s how we get through our days. It’s why we have purses filled with “just in case” supplies. It’s why we leave 30 minutes early to allow for traffic. It’s why our families don’t go hungry when the fridge is empty… We froze a few meals, just in case.

So, yes. I’m a control freak. And I feel it serves me well in most cases. It makes me look like a super mom or a super friend or a super daughter a lot of the time. But when it comes to my relationship with my husband, and probably my son, it doesn’t always serve us well.

Russ pointed out to me that I try to control everything. Everything. I second-guess things he does, I question stuff that doesn’t need to be questioned, I make suggestions to fix things that aren’t broken. I am not good at letting him, and probably my son, do things the way they do them. That’s not good for a marriage, and I’m pretty damn sure it’s not good as a parent.

I also think that my need to do everything exactly the way I need to do them is part of the reason I have such poor time-management skills. I take G to school and I hit the ground running. But by the time I’ve worked out, shopped, done laundry, and caught up on calls and emails, it’s time to pick him up again. I’ve done nothing creative, nothing to serve my career, and often nothing to feed myself in the way that allows me to feel whole. This is my fault. If I passed ANYthing off to my husband, and allowed him to do it the way he would do it, it would open up time and space for me that I am sorely lacking. That I’m sure we all, as a gender, are sorely lacking.

Holy shit, that is one humongous revelation. Not only am I making my husband feel like he doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time, I’m also robbing myself of precious time and energy. I’m honestly just realizing, as I write this, that my husband pointing this out to me might be the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. And, by the way, I knew he was right the second it came out of his mouth. It was just hard to hear, and to process. But I absolutely knew he was right.

So now what do I do with all of this new information? I put myself and my husband to work. I pass some things off to him and I embrace the way he does them. I stop micromanaging every freaking thing he does, from making lunch to buying birthday cards. I let my son throw things around a little more and I help him pick it up when there’s time. Holy shit, guys! This could change everything. This might make my marriage EPIC, and it might just make my son like me 20% more than he already would have when he’s an adult.

Are you WITH ME?? I think you’re with me. I even think you might be letting go a little bit, too. Am I right? (Seriously, I need to know. Am I right?) Whoops. As you were.

written by
Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

14 Responses to “CONTROL”

  1. Reply Kristy says:

    Oh my! You just summed up the EXACT issue we are having in our home. Every day I am doing stuff until I go to sleep at night feeling resentful that I didn’t get ‘me’ time or didn’t get to everything I wanted. My husband offers to do dishes or laundry and I say no, because he doesn’t do them MY way! WTH? I have got to learn to let go too! Bravo, Lisa, Bravo!

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Kristy, I hope you’ve started the letting go process. I think it’s something we’ll need to work on before it becomes a habit. But ANY progress is better than none!! Good luck, and thank you!

  2. Reply Carla says:

    I’m with you Lisa! It has to be the most freeing thing, to realize something so important, something that makes a huge difference in how your relationships can improve….for me it was saying no to every request the family and friends made. Makes for more free, creative time…and a happier girl!

    CONGRATS! You DO rock:)

  3. Reply Christine says:

    I have sooooooo been there and done that. You know when I learned to let go of control? When I was lying in a bed for a year and a half trying not to die. Really taught me that I was not the only person who knew how to make grilled cheese, walk a dog, drive a child to school and fold towels. And when I got better, I made the effort to not give a shit about stuff that, in all truth, really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I trust my husband to pick up my kid at Karate on his way home from work while I’m typing this. Because that trust makes him feel all manly and important, and that in turn helps us maintatin marital yumminess. I swear to you, you can choose to get over yourself. Even if you do the home and parenting stuff better than Russ (and its OK to think that you do) its safe to let him sometimes do it his way. And then you will have more time to breathe, more time to blog, more time to be! That’s a fantastic revelation! And, unlike my stubborn ass self, you didn’t need Universe to bitch slap you into a near death experience to realize it.

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Christine, I am so grateful that I got the message without the devastating pain. I truly hope I can work on this and make it a full reality. I know my whole family will be better for it.

  4. Reply Melisa says:

    YES YES YES.

    You will be SO MUCH HAPPIER. I promise.
    I too am a control freak but learned a long, long time ago that my way is not always the only way to do things. As long as they get done, who cares??

  5. Reply TracyK says:

    My way or the the highway, that’s my philosophy! Of course, I’m kidding. We do have the exact same “issues” in this house! I know you’re shocked to find that out. Everything you said was like it was coming out of my brain and I literally had the same revelation at the same time you wrote it! I heard myself bitching that “I have to do everything!” and then flashed on “uh, no you don’t! You CHOOSE to do everything!”. I have made some progress (the towels don’t have to be folded perfectly as long as they fit in the cabinet).

    But, just so we don’t blame ourselves too much when sometimes perhaps our controlling-ness is justified, I would like to tell you about the time I had to convince my husband that rinsing the kids off at the end of their bath with the dirty bath water instead of clean water did not accomplish the goal (oh and the other time he thought skipping the soap would be ok). However, he stills gives the kids their baths every night, so I must be improving!

    I’ll continue to work on it, but I come from a long line of controlling women so it’s gonna be an uphill battle! 😉

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      We can DO it, Tracy!! We can!! I believe in us. And it’s so important. BREAK that chain of control!! (But leave a couple links, just so everything doesn’t go to total shit.) 😉

  6. Reply Patty@adayinmynyc.com says:

    This “go with the flow” thing is SO HARD! I’m glad I read your post because letting go of “my ways” is something I’ve had to practive now that I am dating someone new. Sigh! Really? I can’t just work if we do things my way! LOL! I’m so kidding but the challenge is real. I’m glad I read this today because I’m practiving my “whatever” attitude today. 🙂

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Patty, this is the perfect time to LET GO. Glad I could assist your “whatever” attitude a little. But of course, don’t let this guy think you’re a pushover. You have to get things your way sometimes!!!

  7. Reply The Flying Chalupa says:

    Okay, this was hilarious and soooo relatable. Your days look like my days, sister. And I think I hear my babysitter saying an “AMEN” in the background. To which I say “shut up and can you please pick up the toys before I get home?”

    Please let me know how “letting go” goes.

    xoxo

    • Reply flawlessmom says:

      Chalupa, you should know you’re already worlds ahead of me. We have no babysitters. If family can’t do it, we’re screwed. Know why? CONTROL ISSUES!!!

Leave a Reply

UA-54344670-1