13 Aug 2014

My Dishwasher Has A Lot to Say

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Yesterday, G and I were at the mall after school to pick up some snazzy new Nikes we had ordered. The bathrooms at the mall have those automated-flushing-toilets, or AFTS, and G wanted to know if I used to get scared when the toilets would flush before I was finished, when I was a kid.

I had to explain that we didn’t have automated toilets when I was a kid, and that I would get MORE scared by having to touch the flusher that thousands of other people has already touched. (I didn’t tell him that part. Only that those toilets didn’t exist when I was a kid.)

He was amazed.

Well, can you imagine if I would’ve told 6-year-old me that 42-year-old me would be on the phone with LG Electronics 36 years in the future, holding my PHONE up to a speaker on the dishwasher so the LG operator could do a diagnostic test to see why there is a residue on my dishes when the cycle is done???

Did you get that? I called LG. They put a Smart Appliance Diagnostician on the phone. This diagnostician had me hold down the rinse button for three seconds, while holding the mouthpiece of my phone up to a small speaker on the side of the dishwasher door. A loud buzzing sound happened, and when that was done I picked the phone back up. At this point I was pretty sure I was being punked.

The diagnostician said I have hard water. Come on. I’m in Los Angeles. Obviously I have hard water. There’s no way my machine told you that. And sure, I should clean the filters, but it’s a NEW machine! And, okay… I’ll run hot water into the sink for a minute before I run the dishwasher, and I’ll use the power wash setting to see if that helps. This is all information you could have told me without the humiliation of tricking me into holding my phone up to my dishwasher.

The call ended and I went about my business. Then the phone rang.

“Hello, Mrs. Arch. Your dishwasher sent us some information that I neglected to tell you.”

Oh, really? What? That I haven’t been keeping the house as tidy as I’d like to? That I really have to make those doctor’s appointments before my secondary insurance runs out? That I need to get back to the gym? Come on! I don’t need ANOTHER person, er machine, on my back!!

“Yes. The water that is being used for your dishes is only 86 degrees. According to page five of your owner’s manual, it should be 120 degrees. This water is clearly not hot enough for the dishwasher to do its job. Please turn up the water heater a little bit.”

I walked out to the water heater and saw that it was on warm. I turned it up a bit. She also informed me that if all of these things don’t work, I might need to install a water softener. I told her we had been thinking of doing that.

Then she told me to make my doctor’s appointments.

The future. We’re living in it.

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Lisa Arch likes being a working actress... but LOVES being a Mom!

4 Responses to “My Dishwasher Has A Lot to Say”

  1. Reply Melisa says:

    GET OUT. THAT IS AMAZING. (and a little creepy)

  2. Reply flawlessmom says:

    MELISA!! It’s CRAZY!!! I still think I was being punked. But VERY convincingly.

  3. Reply Sara says:

    At least you had to hold the phone up, right? It would be even creepier if they could upload dishwasher data without you doing anything. Can you imagine? Your dishwasher would be sending you emails!!

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