In the spirit of being honest, I will tell you that the second half of yesterday got difficult. Still not as bad as it usually is.
I noticed a few things. One: I CONSTANTLY feel my stomach when I’m sitting. It’s a habit that I knew I did occasionally but now that I’m trying to be aware of everything, I see that it’s constant. And every time I do it I think, “Oh my god. Horrible.” The good news is I’m aware of it now. Two: When I eat crappy food I feel much worse about myself. Yesterday for lunch I had a lovely salad that I made at home. It was healthy, filling, and left me feeling satisfied. For dinner I had a steak and mushroom pie at our neighborhood pub. Delicious? YUP! But when I got up from the table I felt bad about myself, and bloated. And fat. Three: I want to make some changes to my body by exercising more and being a little more careful with what I eat, BUT I need to make mental changes at the same time. I don’t want to wait for these changes to take place before adjusting my attitude. I want to do it simultaneously. I would love to be proud of myself and my body, no matter what state my figure is in.
I do have to say that my favorite part of yesterday was chalk-drawing with Garrett on the sidewalk outside of our house. He drew a giant swimming pool that we had to keep jumping in, and we swam as fast as we could to the other side. He kept grabbing my hand and saying, “I’ll help you, Mommy!” Then I pretended to get on a diving board and when he joined me, we held hands and jumped off. We played like this for about an hour. And I don’t think I grabbed my stomach once.
Paying such close attention to this issue feels awkward. And it’s scary to try to let it go. It’s been such an ingrained part of my personality for so long, I wonder who I’ll be without it. I also wonder if I’ll replace it with something else. I have lost other negative behaviors in the recent past, and have only replaced them with feelings of happiness. So, maybe I can accomplish that again. We’ll see.
I’ve decided to only weigh myself on Mondays. Then maybe I’ll make it every other Monday, then maybe the first Monday of the month. But for now, I haven’t weighed myself in days. I had to stop myself yesterday. I stood and stared at the scale for a good three minutes, then walked away. I consider that a big victory.
Thanks for indulging me in this. I appreciate all the support. And I hope, in some way, I’m supporting some of you as well.
To make this a Flawless Saturday Question: Is there some kind of positive change you’d like to see yourself make? There’s no time like the present!! Care to join me?