Archive for Uncategorized

26 Oct 2010

I’ll never be popular (A sad tale of a Twitter Dork.)

14 Comments Personal Crap, Uncategorized

I am about as popular on Twitter as I was in high school. If you time-travel back to me in high school, you’ll realize that I was not popular. Not even a little. It seems Twitter utilizes the same kind of social tests that were used back in the 80’s to make my life a living hell. I keep failing. Except this time it’s not because I have a big nose. Well, that’s not the ONLY reason at least.

Twitter is literally set up to make people like me feel terrible about themselves. The whole goal is to get as many followers as possible, and I’ve never been able to get followers in LIFE, let alone the world wide web of social disgrace.

First of all, when I first logged on I stupidly asked a hilarious woman who had her twitter shit together if she could help me get followers. I had no idea that was a “no no” because I had no idea how much work it actually is to get people to follow you.  I’m sure she was like, “Up yours, Lady! I worked my ass off to get my 35,000 followers and now YOU want me to help YOU when you’ve only been here for three freaking days??” Of course, as soon as I realized my idiotic mistake I tried to make up for it, but she has alienated me ever since. I guess I understand.

Then I’m supposed to craft the perfect “tweets” to get people to respond and follow me and love me. And I rarely do, because I’m a dork. As usual, I have no idea how to be one of the popular chicks because I’ve never been one of the cheerleaders or on student council. I’m a drama geek and only the very few people who “get” me are on my side. And, seriously… The fact that I’m whining about TWITTER is EMBARRASSING!!  A month ago I didn’t even want to know what Twitter was! I had no desire to be a part of it. But as soon as I started, I wanted to be liked. Because that, my friends, is human nature. And as much as I really don’t care if someone doesn’t like me, I care about these faceless, random Twitter people. That is pure insanity.

So, should I try to be one of the popular hot girls? Should I stick with it and figure out the ways of the Twitterverse? Should I start dressing differently and put on lipstick and high heels to get the boys (and girls) to notice me? Should I take hip-hop lessons so I can learn the dance-team cheers? Should I get contact lenses so I can lose the glasses? Should I put out? You see where I’m going here, I’m sure. Do I fight for my Twitter popularity or do I just give up? Do I stay and hang out in the corner with my loyal, awesome friends who like me for ME? Or should I log out and move on with my life?

Tweet me and let me know what you think. HA! See what I did there?

I wrote this post earlier today and here is a side note:

Today a hot, popular guy tweeted that his followers should follow me. It was a classic “super hot, popular jock who also happens to be INSANELY SWEET feels bad for the dorky girl he cares about” move. It got me 25 followers, which is a 10% jump in under 12 hours. But I just know they’re all talking behind my back, wondering what’s “so great” about me and why the hot guy is my friend. One of them probably even thinks I slept with him. Well, I DIDN’T! I just helped him write his essay about “Catcher in the Rye”.

23 Oct 2010

Shout Out to the Dads

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I just want to say that several men, fathers to be exact, have approached me to tell me how much they love the blog. Namely, the “Spinning” post. It’s not like strangers are coming up to me, I want to be clear. I haven’t reached the level of fame (HA!) where anyone says, “Oh my God! Lisa Arch! Your blog changes lives!” But people I know and respect have mentioned to me that they have been affected or moved by some of my posts. That means the world to me.

I realized that I use the word “Mom” a lot. Let’s face it, I’m a Mom. I’m writing about being a Mom, and I’m assuming the majority of my readers are Moms. However, there are incredible Dads reading this too. And great Dads make the world a much better place. If you’ve been a regular reader, you know how much my amazing Daddy meant to me, and means to me still. I just wanted to say that I appreciate a good Dad. And I’m grateful to any of them who are reading my words, and gleaning any meaning from them.  I also happen to live with one of the World’s greatest Dads, so I know of what I speak.

SO!  Any of you men who happen to read this blog and think, “Hey! What about me?” Just know you are included in my thoughts. All of them. Consider “Mom” to mostly mean “Mom or Dad”, unless I’m talking about pregnancy or boobs or ova or uteri. Is it uteri? You get the point. 🙂

23 Oct 2010

What I Learned Today From My Zit

6 Comments Personal Crap, Uncategorized

It’s amazing how many lessons a person can learn every day, if they’re up for it. Since having Garrett I’ve discovered things about the world and myself that are constantly surprising. Tonight, for example, I learned the difference between a Spinosaurus and a Dimetrodon. In the last three years, I’ve learned I’m capable of bathing, clothing, feeding and loving a child in ways I never knew I could. And I’m constantly learning how to be less worried about every little stupid thing that’s wrong with me, because I’m more concerned with what’s going on with someone else now.

These last two summers were eye-openers for me. When you have a kid and you live in Los Angeles and you go places that have  pools, that kid usually wants to get into the pools and swim. Apparently it’s not okay for infants and toddlers to swim by themselves, so an adult usually has to be with them.  Guess who swims with Garrett? ME! After the age of 30, it was rare that I would ever get into a bathing suit because the thought of someone seeing me in it gave me the chills. But now, when Garrett wants to swim, Mama puts on her suit and swims! It’s a matter of me thinking about G having fun instead of who’s staring at my unbelievably white and not-very-toned upper legs.

This brings me to today. I have a zit on my chin that’s so big, a family of four could live there comfortably. I am not exaggerating. Okay, maybe a family of three. But there would be so much room for them! This thing is huge. My husband can literally not look at me without starting at IT. He doesn’t even try. It’s like my face is a hot chick and the zit is her huge boobs. “Hello!  My eyes are up HERE!” Get the point? It’s big. It’s really unfair to people for me to even leave the house because I’m putting everyone in the terrible position of having to act like they don’t see it. They DO see it. Believe me.

Years ago, there is no way I would have left the house with this thing on my face. I would have been ashamed and disgusted. I would have tried to hide it, worn my hair as huge as possible, worn a scarf too high on my neck… And this would have all been in the HOUSE. But I have a son and he had a dentist appointment and I also promised him a trip to the mall and a special pancake lunch with Daddy. And I didn’t even think for one second about anything else but getting him up and dressed and taking him all over town. We even stopped in on our friend who owns a store and said hello. I pointed out the zit (as if I even had to) and told him it was ok if he couldn’t look away. But I seriously didn’t care! I had a great day. No one pointed and laughed (to my face), no one ran screaming from any room I was in. And I wouldn’t have cared if they did because Garrett and I were having a blast, he got a great report from the dentist, and pancakes make me happy.

I know it sounds silly, but to me it’s a major victory. My stupid vanity takes a backseat now to things that are far more important. And that’s awesome. I’m not saying I no longer care about this stuff, because I do. Of course I do. But I don’t let it take over my life like it used to. I’m actually sad about all the time I wasted in my life, hiding because there were things I didn’t like about myself. It only took 38 years to stop that. Now I have the rest of my life to inflict my hideousness on the world. And I will. Because I have a son and, according to various studies, I can’t sit in the house watching Nick Jr. with him all day.

I hope you enjoyed the artist’s rendering of my zit, drawn by my darling husband, Russell Arch.

21 Oct 2010

Jesus Loves Target

5 Comments Personal Crap, Uncategorized

Yesterday I was at the Church of Target, getting my staples: cereal, bread, bunny grahams. You know the drill. Garrett and I were having a really good time, running down the aisles and eating food out of boxes we hadn’t yet purchased.
When it was time to check out, a lovely African-American woman said, “I can take you over here!” I have to be honest, I’ve never heard those words uttered at Target before. Usually the lines are long and slow, but I deal with it because I love it there. So I made my way over to her register and said, “Thanks! How are you today!” “I’m great”, she replied. “I’ve gotta keep it light and happy around here, there are so many angry people coming through.” “Oh. I bet you get a lot of jerks”, says I. “Well, that’s why I turn to Jesus. He makes it all good.”

This is where I usually stop listening. I’m Jewish and I probably am not going to be converted by a woman in a red polo scanning my Cottonelle toilet paper. But she kept talking. “I’m 56 and I’ve been married 21 years”, she continued, “Jesus transformed me. If anyone ever asks how I do it, it’s because I keep my eyes on the Lord and he transformed me. I’m happy and blessed every day.” I said, “Good for you!” And I meant it. This 56-year-old didn’t look a day over 40 and she clearly was living what she was preaching. “He cured me of Lupus.” “He did?” “Yes Ma’am, he did. I had it since I was 23 and he cleared me of it. My doctors couldn’t understand. But I knew it was Jesus.”

Well! You can not argue with those results! This woman was happy, youthful, obviously enjoying her job, and was rid of a horrible disorder. “That’s amazing”, I said as she finished bagging my stuff. “Good talking to you. Hope you continue to have a blessed day!” A BLESSED DAY???? Did that just come out of my mouth? I never say, “Have a blessed day” to anyone! But the truth is, she was awesome. I felt uplifted. I had already been in a great mood, getting to spend the day with my son, getting errands done… But she made it even better. Happy people do that. Whether they’re happy because of Jesus or chocolate cake is beside the point. However you can find that happiness, without hurting others or yourself, is good enough for me. Frankly, I wish more people would find something to believe in that makes them kind to people, makes them laugh and makes them joyful.

I’m not a huge fan of organized religion. I think a lot of it is bullshit and financially driven. But I am a huge fan of enjoying life and living it to its fullest. So if there’s a Jesus and he’s looking down on this woman, I’m very pleased for her. I pray to my own God and I pretty much keep it to myself. But my God and her Jesus have a lot in common. And they were both at Target yesterday around 11:00 AM.

16 Oct 2010

Toddler Senility Update

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Sara, one of my very gracious readers, posted this article in her comment. It’s interesting and helpful. I also find it FASCINATING that I jokingly made up “Toddler Senility”, but there really is something called “Childhood Amnesia”. Anyone else find that funny? Anyone?

And it’s absolutely insane that tonight in the car, OUT OF THE FRIGGIN BLUE, Garrett said, “Remember I had a Blue’s Clues birthday party?” That was his 2nd birthday party, over a year ago. And I know we’ve talked about it since then many times, but it’s been so long since anyone has brought it up. I just thought that was a wild coincidence. Of course, a toddler remembering things from his toddler-hood is not the same as him remembering it when he’s 10 or 20.

One last thing. You know how there’s always an amnesia story-line on soap operas? Well, I’d totally watch All My Children if it was actually about children who had amnesia and cheated on each other and did dirty business deals. Wouldn’t you?

What just happened?

01 Oct 2010

Scared Sh**less

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I’m just going to tell you this.  I’m a friggin mess.  There’s so much to learn with this blogging thing, I wish I would’ve just continued the blog I started in 200 and friggin 5! (that’s 2005), because then I’d be ahead of the game!  Instead, I’m starting all over, a newbie, a scared, pathetic newbie who doesn’t know the first thing about new-fangled blogs, twitter, flickr, or any of it!!!  I want to curse here so badly but I don’t know if I should.  Scary Mommy curses, but does that mean I can?  I want to write stupid, meaningless posts that probably won’t mean anything to anyone, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to.  What are the rules?  Who MAKES the rules?  I just want to sit and write what I’m passionate about:  My family.   And I know there are 30, 000 other people doing it, but I’m still going to do it, okay?  And even though I want to say, “I don’t care if you like it! I’m doing this for me!  Suck it!”, I can’t say that because I do care.  I want you to read this blog, and I want you to get something out of it.

So here’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to lock myself in the bathroom for four minutes and I’m going to cry.  (Think Holly Hunter in “Broadcast News”.)  I’m going to sit on the toilet and cry all of my mascara off, and I’m going to fight every urge to tell myself I’m not good enough and I should just quit right now.  I’m going to tell myself to stick to this because it’s what I’ve wanted to do for ten years and that it’s okay if it takes a year or two to get off the ground.

Then I’m going to put on more mascara, powder my nose (literally.  I have a shiny nose), and pick Garrett up from school.  Oh shit.  I’m already crying.  Oh shit.  I just said shit.  I guess I’m cursing in this blog.

01 Oct 2010

Mom Quote

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Tonight my mom said, “I’m thinking of getting a mug and training it in a litter box.”

She meant pug. Either way, it’s not a good idea.